Myla, there is much here, within your words and their heartfelt messages while two come to my mind that I will attend to now.

First is the truth when there is nothing to lose. Alas, what a matter of fact when there is so much more. The truth as you feel it resonating with words for the ages. Yes, your courage is now there for all to see, one word leading to another. What a prize to behold. Speak to it, and keep on until the day arrives when it has simply become you. Then, you are there, where you began but not. Not really, Nor was it meant to be such, you as as once were. Take off the gloves in life and stay the course, its leading you to a place unimaginable. Now the second notion and final thought to ponder when the lights no longer are required.

Your writing and its prose is a gift from where you deem mysteries reside. Some joint akin to a channeling from afar. You are spot on. Right as can be so take it and run as far as it can take you. When you create you are free. Freedom being you at your finest is what I am alluding to. You have tapped into the inner sanctuary of your subconscious. It is you while much different than the conscious self, its ego being the guide and force to bear. Your inter self is a treasure trove of what lurks within the deep recesses of what genuine gifts are made of. You are a wonder to behold when the moment comes when n the flow...the time when time escapes you and the words simply appear. Stay in tune with its frequency and vibrations. It is you as only wonders can imagine.

Finally...and lastly a simple thought that has concepts to consider. After 30 years in a jungle like no other, surrounded with disbeliefs becoming more real than not, dark shadows enveloping you like humidity during Florida's sake summer days, and there you where, fighting for what was left. That place and its derivatives have in a sense become you, not forever nor will it nevertheless the wiring is there. It could be similar to what solders experience after returning from war and combat. Its labeled as PTSD ... post traumatic stress disorder. Research the term and its indelible consequences. My sense it exists and rightfully so as you write about crazy and disorientations that come with not making sense of what has happened. The truth of it is simple, working your way into and out of it is not. But you can. And will. As you know all so well, you are warrior and poet. Maybe not as well as you like or think but such no matter what comes your way.

You are already doing it as writing and its work is the hallmark of coming to terms with the ghost and its dark shadow, one word, a wondersome, song called a sentence, one then the other.

I have been blessed as troubles would have it, for twice I have experienced what I am alluding to. First in war and the second, much like yourself. Both times ...each being similar while not, I entered the gauntlet alone [ along with a few loyal friends and a great deal of patience] with a sense of nothing to lose. And like yourself, feeling why not just get to the truth as fast as possible. And worry not, it can not get any worse, until ...until the inevitable unfolds. And what a prize that is, the struggle for what really matters is what I am pointing to.

You can and will do precisely the same while no doubt better...your deep pondering, your kind heartedness led by humility, engaging the loneliness of the heroes journey bathed in torrents of tears and more of the same until the inevitable, for as with all sacred souls destined to be what life affords them, you too will feel blessed. And wonder as you wander into the good night, if I can prevail over that dark awakening what else can I do? Alas, the best awaits, and yes, the best is now. Until...

Good luck and safe journey.

Eric